so. i have a band, dark system. id love it if you became their fans
www.darksystemofficial.wordpress.com is the site and they played their first gig on friday. I am manager and we have a self made record label and twitter.com/darksystemnl

cya

jack
watch x factor

Hey!

Did you enjoy Harry Hill’s TV Burp on itv on Saturday night? it was great! VICAR FIGHT!

Cya, gotta get my cow a quadbike

Jack

Hey!

Love doing this:

Uri Geller: The war on spoons

In 2002 Uri Geller sued a gay bar, “Benders”, for use of what he believes is the name given to him by Satan himself. And for throwing him out the previous Friday.

In 1986, Boy george, the frontman of Culture Club sued Uri Geller for bending his gender.

By 2012, it is estimated that Uri Geller will have sued everyone in the world at least twice.

The whole time you were reading this geller section, Uri was doing the same to your mind – but don’t worry, he normally skips straight to the sports pages. Check your cutlery though.

GEORGE BUSH JOKES

George Bush is a non-notable investment banker in Detroit.

Some with similar names include:

• George W. Bush, the world’s greatest president
• George Dubya Bush, the world’s greatest moron
• George H. W. Bush, World’s Greatest Dad (1957)

George Dubya Bush

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Idiot?

“ooops... ”

~ George Bush on Iraq

“They misunderestimated me!”

~  George Dubya Bush on American voters

“Man, this Dubya guy is a total moron! Sure wouldn't want to be like him!”

~  George Dubya Bush on Dubya

“I did not have political relations with that man.”

~ John McCain on Dubya

“Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?”

~  George Dubya Bush on education

“He doesn't look that tough.”

~  George Dubya Bush on Dubya

George Walker Texas Ranger Dubya Bush (a.k.a. Sheriff George Wanker Bushwood “The Man with No Brain”)

Term of office:	2001 – whenever the hell he feels like it
Preceded by:	Slick Willie Blythe
Succeeded by:	That one
Date of birth:	July 6, 1946
Place of birth:	Barbara’s Bush
First Lady:	A different one every night, though most of them were really men with wigs.
Political party:	Inbred Hicks

George “Generalissimus Maximus” “The Decider” Bush (born July 6, 1946) was the final president of the Totalitarian American Empire (its successor is the United Liberal Abortionist Republic of Change and Hope). Bush was “elected” after a close race against challenger Al Gore in the 2000 Presidential Rip-off and then “re-elected” by voters in 2004. He previously served as the forty-sixth Governor of Hickville from 1995 to 2000. He is the eldest son of former 41st President of the United States George H. W. Bush, from whom he received his platinumspoon.

George, or Georgie, as he’s called by people close to him, is a member of the Republican Party, also known as the Screw the PeasantsParty. He is known for his unconventional style of politics, such as aiming a stream of urine at his opponents, screeching while jumping up and down on them, and, in general, keeping his head up his ass. His work day consisted of finger-painting and pasting macaroni on official government documents (something Prick Cheney repeatedly told him was a “no-no”). He loves non-alcoholic beer and sugar-free frozen treats, and spent most of his presidency on his ranch, taking three naps a day and posing for photos in which he pretended to be clearing brush. He holds the record for the smallest vice president’s first name of any president (2.1 inches, undercutting his father’s 2.7).

In his rare public appearances, he was assisted by Prick Cheney, who concealed himself under a podium so he could stick his first name up Bush’s ass and use him as a ventriloquist’s dummy. This made it much easier for poor lil’ Georgie, who just wasn’t made for difficult presidential duties like “readin’” and “writin’” and “listenin’ to them poopyhead Congressmen and the public”.

George W Bush showing the full extent of his close evolutionary link to Apes

• Proponents of Darwin’s Evolution theory praise the existence of George Bush as he provides a perfect missing link between apes and humans (see picture). In fact, some scientists believe Bush can’t be classified as human, and is instead his own species, Homo Bushus retardicus.
• A reporter once asked Bush, if he was to reflect on his term, what was the most memorable moment in retrospective. After having the difficult, foreign-sounding words explained to him by a secretary, he answered truthfully that it definitely was back when he went to Alaska and ‘caught afish, This Big.
• He worships Dr. Evil. God bless him (dr.evil that is)
• Q: What’s the difference between George W. Bush and Herbert Hoover? A: At least Hoover balanced the budget.
• Q: What’s the difference between Dubya and Adolf Hitler? A: At least Hitler had a clue about what he was doing.
• Q: What’s the difference between Dubya and Darth Vader? A: The Helmet, the gloves, body armor, the boots, the light saber, and the breathing machine.
• Q: What’s the difference between Dubya and John Lennon? A: Lennon got shot; Dubya killed him

• A supporter of George W. Bush is called a f****** r****. A detractor is called an American, or resident of the rest of the entire planet.
• Bush achieved a first place ranking in Richard Simmons’ “Sweating Your Fat Ass Off to the Hokey Pokey” marathon by sprinkling steroids and methamphetamines on his Cap’n Crunch.
• Bush was never a junkie. He was only known to snort c****** in his adolescence and then only during very special occasions.
• At Laura’s urging he went cold turkey in 2000 and quit sniffing glue, with exceptions only on weekends, on weekdays after 3pm, and before important speeches.
• Nobody has yet translated his personal language into anything even remotely comprehensible to human beings.
• Despite what people say, George doesn’t like Barney. He prefers Biker Mice From Mars.
• That when Bush said he was “a uniter, not a divider” he meant it literally. George never did learn multiplication or division at elementary school.
• Bush reads comic books voraciously. He also likes to think of himself as a train and often circles his office, pretending to be a conductor and mimicking train noises.
• Bush stole (or borrowed) Barack Obama’s bike, but Obama decided to steal it anyway

• What, me worry?” –on 9/11
• “You can’t handle the truth!” –on the War in Iraq
• “I’ll fuckin’ tie you to a fuckin’ bedpost with your ass cheeks spread out and shit, right? Put a hanger on a fuckin’ stove and let that shit sit there for like a half hour, take it off and stick it in your ass slow like tssssssss…” –on global terrorism.
• “Gee, a Red Ryder BB gun… Thanks, Dad!”
• “I take pride in the knowing of the fact of knowing the f-f-fact that I, George W. Bush, am THE WORST PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF THIS COUNTRY. We gotta have pride in this life and …hey…what smells so damn good?…Is mom baking pie? Oh, look a blue car.” –from his second inauguration speech
• “Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.” —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004
• “We have an old sayin’ back in Texas… I know it’s in Tennessee, probably in Texas… Fool me once… sh-shame on you… f-fool me… you can’t get fooled again. Now pass me one of those pretzels.” –on not getting fooled again.
• “I got, fat bags of skunk I got, White Owl blunts / And I’m about to go get lifted / Yes I’m about to go get lifted.” –on the economy.
• “Hmmmm, it was either weapons of mass distruction, or…..students of mass instruction? LET’S INVADE!”
• “I’m sorry, I don’t speak Mexican.”
• “Was it on par?” –on hearing of Ariel Sharon’s stroke.
• “My fellow Americans: STFU.”
• “The nice thing about approval rating is it can never go negative… oh…”
• “Iraq still has weapons of mass destruction, I can prove it… Just let me get the receipt out of my pocket.”
• “Ya know Laura, what is with Al Franken? He thinks he’s a genius just cause he did some acting on Saturday Night Live and that his political views are smart.”

Jon Stewart: “Quit calling me Laura!”

• “Fry him.” –when referring to a recently convicted murderer.
• “Fry him.” –when referring to a recently caught wild turkey.
• “Fry him.” –when referring to a recently uncooked freedom fry.
• “Fry him.” –when asked for the desired voltage on Dick Cheney’s electroconvulsive therapy.
• “Thompson, my dad’s buddy wants you to lay off him. Pass the coke.” –to journalist Hunter S. Thompson.
• “I am against gay marriage. I am also against widespread literacy and the refrigeration of food.”
• “I just LOVE a good fake fart straight from the armpit!”
• “America: love it or move to Canada.”
• “Is it chicken, or is it fish?” (When looking at a can of “chicken of the sea” tuna)
• “Oil…Oil….OIL…..OIL!!!….OILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!”
• “Jesus Christ, do I have to do another State of the Union tonight? Fuck this shit; being the President is hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work. It’s hard work.”
• “It’s hard work.”
• “There is no reason to ever allow any country to harbor Weapons of Math Instruction.”
• “You forgot Poland!”
• “The Iraqians have PUNS OF MASSIVE CIVILISATION. Saddam has a bunker of nukulars where he smokes them with oil-fuelled lighters. We must go in there and liberate the oil-fuelled lighters. God bless amurika. Terra terra terra terra 9/11 9/11 9/11 we are going to inishate a “shawk n chicken raw” campaign against the massive puns of civilisation. Thank you amurika and remember to always not forget: you forgot Poland!”
• “Hey I said stop quoting me! Cut that out! Put that fucking pencil down right now motherfucker!”
• “Laura, didya git that there Clapper hooked up to one of my nukular missiles yet?”
• “I feel like God wants me to run for President. I can’t explain it, but I sense my country is going to need me. Something is going to happen… I know it won’t be easy on me or my family, but God wants me to do it.” –on ‘egotism and stupidity’
• “Iraq my fault?…yea?…Well…erm…God told me to do it.”
• “My fellow Invertebrates, this week a major incident reportedly took place at sea, during which Colin Powell captured my battleship. Oh yeah, and we also raidified that stupid North Korean boat as well. As a result, the North Korean leader, Kim Jong a.k.a Top Song Bong, announcified that he would be resumerating their nuclear program. A program I condemn, because it threatens to de-salinate the region. And also because it’s a program that has not once featured the Fonz. But be warned, King Kong. Like others before you, should you threaten New York by climbing the Empire State Building, then my fleet of bi-planes will have no choice but to oblitifry you from the face of the Earth”
• “I believe the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.”
• “The French have no word for Entrepreneur”
• “My fellow astronauts:”
• “My fellow underevolved shit-throwers:”
• “My fellow Texan pot-bellied fighting orangutans:”
• “Why does asparagus make my pee smell funny?”
• “You have more waffles than a house of pancakes.”
• “When I think, it hurts real bad up here.”
• “My name is George Dubya Bush. Won’t you be my friend?”
• “I do know I’m ready for the job. And, if not, that’s just the way it goes.” –Aug. 21, 2000
• “They non-anti-non-anti-un-non-un-un-anti-un-non-misunderestimated me.”
• “Nancy Pelosi gave me a thumping, shows what I know! Why didn’t Laura save me, I was nearly aborted but she agreed she wanted to work with me as she sat on my chest. A lot of new Congressmen and women got a seat that day.”
• “You have black people too?”—speaking to the President of Brazil
• “The q-q-question is: Is our children learning?”
• “We need the breast and brightest in our armed forces.”
• “Don’t taze me, bro!”
• “Will it Blend?”
• “A village idiot is only an idiot if he has people to make him an idiot! Wait… uh, nevermind.”
• “Neeeeoum! I’m an Aeroplane! Kill the highjackers, quick!

Ok, enough of the Dubya stuff, now we go for something else:

JOHN PRESCOTT

“He's just Jabba The Hutt without makeup”

~ Oscar Wilde on John Prescott

“Went t' trade union next thing I know I'm Deputy Leader of the Labour Party”

~ John Prescott on John Prescott

“I didn't intend to have an affair with him, I went in there on the first day and sat down on what appeared to be an oddly shaped giant sofa and it turned out to be John Prescott lying asleep on the floor”

~ Tracey Temple on John Prescott

“The most intelligent man I ever met, its a shame he couldn't stop stuffing his face with pie he could have been a god on earth”

~ Gandhi on the misfortune of Prescott being a lard arse

John “big job” Prescott, also known as Big Fat Bastard, is the former Deputy Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and Vice Governor of Iraq, serving in that capacity under Tony Bliar. Upon his retirement from that post in 2007, he was appointed official Court Jester to Her Majesty’s Royal Household, but subsequently dismissed after he ate all the pies and vomited all over His Royal Highness the Duke of Edinburgh.

Prescott’s other claim to fame is a childhood accident which was, reportedly, the inspiration for the popular nursery rhyme Humpty Dumpty. Contrary to popular belief, the King’s Men did succeed in putting Humpty together again, except for the brain, which remains missing to this day. (Some speculate that Prescott has, in fact, eaten it.) Accordingly, they substituted the brain of a pig, presuming that no one would notice. The next day, he joined the Labour Party. How fanatastic!

Next up: Dr. Steven Hawking

Whoops! Maybe you were looking for Microsoft Sam?

Stephen blind ass (the blind ass thing my friend did)!!! ‘Bootylicious’ Hawking^{version 1.2} is a mobile android, scientist, inventor of gravity, air, life itself, and the jaccuzzi tub, member of the International BAMF Society, robotic ninja assassin, mayor of Vancouver, your mother, and wheelchair-bound spec ops sniper, was the lead singer and cowbell player for Culture Club and the author of various bestselling books on pop culture including the timeless classics “One Star, Two Star, Red Dwarf, Blue Supergiant”; “The Universe in a Brown Paper Bag” and “Dark Energy, Once You go Black You Never go Back”. In 1991 he was voted both “World’s Sexiest Cyborg” and “Master of the Universe” by his colleagues at the Institute of Astute Astrophysicist Bastards (IAAB), Vermont. Stephen Hawking is currently at number one on The Paedo Charts.

Despite his legitimate need for wheelchair, when pushed for honest opinion most people just think he’s lazy.

Dr. Hawking spent his best days in the basements and cellars of Oxford University in Iran, nourishing himself with a new device that allows him to dig miles into the Earth towards the core. Stephen Hawking runs on Windows 3000 (invented just for him by old colleague Bill Gates), and had a record-breaking uptime of 4,954,122 hours, 54 minutes, and 10 seconds during the BSOD era. He had only been hacked once, by a retarded child who existed in Christopher Walken’s imagination. It turned out that the hacker had used a backdoor(not to be confused with Bill Clinton’s “Back Door” policy) password (“astro-fag”), left in by the original programmer, Gary “F**kwad” Anderson.

Hawking is also the creator and master of the evil Dalek race… This was before he lost his voice due to an incodent involving swallowing, and his own d**k. he also decided to stop walking around the same time. He holds the copyright under his pseudonym Dave Ross.

Chairmaster Hawking runs on Duracell Energizer batteries and human s**t, which is why he is so clever. He was one of the gayest students at Oxford. Every year they would hold contests at the Oxford University, and when Stephen became 20 he decided it was time to ej*****e. He reached the final and was expected to win but was defeated by another student called Robert Mugabe. The reason he lost had much to do with the fact that his physics engine wasn’t up to date. Mugabe was later found inside out with a cross-section model of Jupiter rammed up his ass.

Stephen’s other bitter rivalry with Bill Gates began over a pan of “special brownies” they made in their college dorm. Bill reacted badly to the brownies and violently attacked Stephen, threatening to f*****g kill him, leaving him limping and brownie-less (this would be made worse by an incident the following year). Until this day Stephen has been plotting to get revenge by what he calls “…taking that b*****d’s retainer”.

Another connection between Hawking and Bill Gates is that they have both had access to part of Chocotopia at some point in time. Currently, there is a small piece of it stuck in Hawking’s teeth. Because of his walking inability and due to his nurse being ugly and lesbian, no one has bothered getting rid of it.

Stephen Hawking broke the record of “Sitting down for the longest time” and is the fourth fastest cripple in the world(at crawling). The genius is known for being h***y everyday and he has sex**l intercourse with calculators.

He was once almost forced to create a drill large enough for the entire planet in 2010 by George W. Bush’s Do Over Act. He was instead able to convince Congress to purchase mass quantities of the calendars he sold on eBay.

If you dare, read the last bit about Pen Island

Penisland is a rich and beautiful country with a rich bunch of s*x addicted c** slaves and *** men who will pay them lots of money to “****” THEM. I PERSONALLY THINK IT SHOULD BE CALLED ___________.Main ally of Penisland is Pen Island.

Penisland was founded in 1999. The founder of Penisland was Dipsy the Teletubby or Tinky Winky the purple one. Bananas are the nations fruit and mascot, and are known to appear in the wild at night time if you arent looking for them and jump out and scream scentence fragments at you and throw s*** at your face. their first leader was B1 not to be confused with the character from the popular childerens show bananas in pyjamas. B2 was the second leader considered by most to be the greatest leader in the history of the earth, s*** the greatest leader in the universe. the advisers to the bananas where the zuchini’s in bikinis. (also known as Dip**** the Mother******’ Teletubby). It was the first time he seen such a sight, before he looked at La La. The two founded the island in 2004 and ever since it has been the setting for the hit show called the teletubbies. This propted outrage in the homosexual community and all demanded their fair share of the island.There is an abundance of wildlife on penisland, although strangely there have been sightings of crabs in the dense forestation. (don’t touch them, they nip)

Neighboring Islands

the nearest island to Penisland is Boxerville. Not the greatest place in the world but pretty damn close.

Penislands Founder was named after the great cumsterus and is f****** ******** in his private p**** shaped jet.

On national holidays men go to v*g*n*l*nd and women go to C*m C*ty (i edited that but online)